Lorenzo Lustre

Lorenzo Lustre, who self identifies as a snailosexualosnailualsexo, claims that his parents were atypical. Of course, this is impossible to confirm, but Lustre insists that his parents weren’t hermaphrodite, as all snails are, but were, in fact, trimaphrodite. He has yet to explain what this actually means, but he says that because of it, his own sexual magnetism is more akin to a superpower than just being very charming.

He has been campaigning for a long time for the walls between the lanes to be made from a transparent material, as he’s convinced the other competitors would purposefully slow down in order to see him from behind.

Whether his sexual superpower is enough to influence the other racers remains to be seen, but when Lorenzo Lustre entered The Octagon, one passer-by, when asked by our reporter about Lustre’s charm and charisma, simply said “Hee Hee Heee. Teeeee Heeee Heee!” and then slimed away, leaving a very thick trail in their wake.