Professor Elisa

Professor Elisa is the smallest and lightest snail in the SnailRace8000 this year, but believes winning or losing has nothing to do with natural strength or speed.

She got through the first 1000to1 heat by calculating the angle of her body position in relation to the prevailing winds, the second heat by maximising her trail viscosity to ensure frictionless movement and she won the third heat by using a detailed analysis of the track schematics to deduce that the righthand wall of her lane (Lane 4) had a lateral crack which had been repaired some years ago using a polyurethane casting resin. She slipped to last place to get onto the wall, but once there she glided to victory along the smoother surface, pipping Doctor Bosch at the post.

She is determined to win the SnailRace8000 this year to prove that brains will always triumph over brawn. “They are like amoeba,” she said when asked about the other clans. “They disgust me. I feel like a god amongst mortals when I talk to them. They can’t even comprehend how intellectually superior I am. I believe they will all die of a disease soon because they are too stupid to defend against it. I will laugh when that day comes. They deserve to die.”

With a strict diet and light exercise regime, she plans to be in the best shape of her life anyway for the races, but she won’t be like a coiled spring or a wrecking ball unless the conditions call for it. A firm believer in the power of pilates, she adheres to the mantra: Water can flow or it can crash. She believes, in order to win, you have to be ready to do either, or both.