The Octagon

3 Snails Feeding Death. Terror. Hell. Ikea on a Saturday. These are some of the metaphors used to describe The Octagon. The inmates sometimes pray for agonising pain as a relief from what they are feeling in The Octagon. Experts estimate that the amount of despair felt by just one snail in The Octagon is enough to depress a thousand children’s TV presenters in DisneyLand on crack. 


The Octagon. 8 white, wooden boards, each separated by a row of stones All one has to do is look at the unfinished fourth decal of The Octagon on the outer perimeter to know how unbalancing the place is. 212 artists have been employed over the years to paint the words ‘The Octagon’ on each of the four sides of the outer perimeter, each one picking up where the last artist left off, and it remains unfinished, as just looking into The Octagon has driven all 212 of these ordinary citizens insane. Most of the artists never speak again, but the few coherent words heard amongst the insane ramblings of a few have been, ‘Black’, ‘Cold’, ‘Pit’, ‘Demon’, and one of the orderlies looking after a particularly troubled artist even thought he heard the name ‘Neville,’ although when pressed on it he agreed that he may have misheard and that it probably was more likely to have been ‘Devil’. 


There have been calls to make The Octagon less torturous as there is a theory going around that some snails don’t give their all in the 8-track because they might feel that the sooner they cross the finish line the sooner they’ll be put back in The Octagon. Of course this conspiracy theory is nonsensical because the 8-minute timer dictates when the snails go back, not the speed with which the competitors cross the line. 


An eerie picture of lover's leap in the Octagon. A wooden tower with holes in it. Whether there is or isn’t a supernatural presence hanging over The Octagon remains a mystery, but over the years the real danger has come from within, as the ruthless snails will stop at nothing to get an advantage over their fellow competitors. There have been murders in there, but SCEACFOSRA will draw the line when one snail takes the life of another in The Octagon and that other snail will be disqualified, so a potential murderer has to weigh up the pros and cons of killing their rivals. And as technology has improved, it has become almost impossible to get away with it. Big Brother is always watching. A view under the wooden boards of the Octagon. It is like a tunnel or a cell